Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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