i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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