I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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