Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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