The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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