i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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