I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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