I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
