We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So squirting runs in the family.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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