cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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