Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
