I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to jail i love you
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
