She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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