Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
