im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
