so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
