I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
