Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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