Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Boobs speak an international language.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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