she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A+ Viking dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
