JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
