I met the friendliest cop last night
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
