I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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