Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
