its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
