So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
