Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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