Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize