You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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