Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
