Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize