i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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