Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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