shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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