Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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