have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
