I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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