on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
