i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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