dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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