Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
