last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
