ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
