There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
