We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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