I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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