I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
They have beer where we have blood.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
