maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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