and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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