Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
