they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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