You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
