Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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