i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize