just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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